10 tips for discussing politics with people you disagree with

What’s the worst conversation you’ve ever had with someone? Maybe it wasn’t about politics, but there’s a decent chance it was. After all, this study found that politics was the most commonly reported topic that people did not want to talk about.

One reason for this could be that these conversations go wrong so often and so easily. And yet, many of us do want to talk about politics. Discussing politics with people you disagree with can be a way to create change in the world - insofar as those conversations end up going well. And politics affects us all, in a myriad of dramatic and important ways.

But discussing politics can be daunting, especially when you’re speaking with someone whose views strongly differ from your own. However, these conversations don’t have to be combative or frustrating: if they are approached thoughtfully, they can be an opportunity for growth, understanding, and even meaningful change.

This guide will walk you through 10 tips for how to increase the chance that you have productive political discussions.

1. There are lots of ways you might succeed

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that a discussion about contentious issues like politics is something you have to ‘win’. You might feel like the conversation is a failure, or your relationship with the person you’re talking to is a dead end, if you don’t completely change their mind. But, remember, conversations are very rarely zero-sum games (i.e., a situation where one person’s gain entails someone else’s loss). It’s worth reflecting on what you think counts as a positive outcome for a conversation about politics. There are actually a lot of possibilities: 

Changing minds

• You manage to convince the person(s) with whom you’re speaking to believe what you believe

• You manage to ‘move the needle’ - not completely convincing them, but making it more likely that they will be convinced in future (it often won’t be clear when this has happened, but you may find out months or even years later that a conversation you had positively affected someone this way)

• You help dispel misinformation - even if they don’t fully adopt your view, you might correct falsehoods or clarify misunderstandings

• You introduce new ideas or perspectives, meaning that whether or not they agree with you, they will view the issue as more nuanced than they did before - also making them less extremist/polarized

Relationship building

• You each gain a better understanding of the other’s perspective, perhaps bringing you closer.

• You build trust and rapport, making it more likely that future conversations will be productive, even if this one doesn’t lead to immediate agreement

Honing your own views

• You increase your ability to articulate your views clearly. Explaining your position to someone else may force you to refine and clarify your arguments, potentially making you more persuasive in future discussions.

• You identify weaknesses in your own reasoning by being exposed to flaws or gaps in your argument, allowing you to reevaluate, strengthen, or even modify your stance.

• You discover that you've been mistaken regarding certain facts

• You build intellectual humility (more on this, below)

Helping your community

• You encourage civic engagement. Your conversation might inspire action such as voting, researching further, or getting involved in local issues

• You strengthen the broader culture of respectful discourse, by modeling thoughtful engagement. Many people avoid political conversations due to their toxic reputation, but if they see you engaging respectfully and productively, they may feel more willing to participate in future discussions.

2. Sometimes, you cannot succeed

Although there are many ways to succeed, it’s also worth being aware that sometimes success is impossible. Or that the cost (e.g., to your wellbeing) of success is too high. 

If none of the success conditions listed above are likely to come to pass, or the benefit of them is outweighed by the negative impact that the conversation will have on you, then consider not engaging in the conversation.

Negative impacts can come in a few different forms. It might be that:

• The conversation causes you great frustration that just isn’t worth it

• Having the conversation creates risks for you (e.g., exposing yourself as someone with ideas or traits that are treated poorly by people in the vicinity)

• You have evidence that the person you are conversing with is very skilled at misleading people and often acts in bad faith. Such people may attempt to exploit your open mindedness and, Jeremy Fantyl argues, you shouldn’t engage with them because “you shouldn’t be willing to reduce your confidence in response to arguments you know are misleading”.

3. Focus on your tone, not theirs

Sometimes, people are unreasonable. They shout, they stomp, they are impolite. Particularly when it comes to political conversations. But you know what rarely makes someone more reasonable? Telling them to "calm down". If the person you’re conversing with gets angry or unreasonable, it’s fair to re-evaluate whether this is a conversation you want to be in but, if you continue, you’ll likely find you have better results if you don’t let their tone phase you. Take the high road and focus on making sure you (a) engage with the substance of their points, rather than the delivery and (b) don’t shout back. If the other person gets heated, it can be useful to take a step back to focus on connecting again on a human level before continuing the discussion. Studies (such as this one) have suggested that people find politeness more convincing, even in political debates.

It can also help to have empathy. Sometimes the person raising their voice at you is just unreasonable. But, other times, it may be because their past experiences have made them feel like they have to fight to be listened to and people dismiss them if they don’t raise their voice. You taking the time to make them feel heard (instead of condescendingly told to "calm down") and like they don’t have to fight for it could well have great results. 

4. Determine whether they want stories or data

If you’ve ever been campaigning for anything, you’ll probably have been told that statistics and figures don’t persuade people nearly as well as a good story. Indeed, there are studies (such as this one) to back this up. If you can offer a powerful personal anecdote that illustrates the point you want to make - particularly if it involves mentioning a harm you’ve experienced - many people will find that more compelling than well-researched studies and statistics.

However, some people will tend to respond to a personal anecdote by thinking something along the lines of “Okay, but I wonder whether that’s really representative of a general trend.” To such people, overreliance on personal anecdotes could make you seem short-sighted, unable to see the bigger picture. For them, data are likely to be crucial to making a convincing case.

5. Have intellectual humility

Intellectual humility means recognizing the limits of your own knowledge. It also tends to be associated with having low defensiveness and recognizing other people’s intellectual strengths. Some evidence indicates that intellectual humility can have benefits to other people’s opinions of you, such as:

• Signalling that you are a good source of information

• Signalling that you are competent

• Making it less likely that others believe you are making larger claims to superiority than you are warranted in making

Each of which will serve you well in political discussions.

Beyond that, though, being able to understand the limits of your own knowledge will make you more open to revising your beliefs in light of new evidence, which will make you more likely to have true beliefs - which is something else important in political discussions!

6. Avoid debates in front of others

If others are watching, it tends to create unproductive social dynamics. You or the person you’re talking with may want to look good in front of those other people, which tends to push in the opposite direction of being open-minded and conceding when a good point is made. What’s more, having other people involved increases the chance that the conversation gets derailed.

7. Investigate first, don’t attack

When someone says something we strongly disagree with, we can be tempted to immediately attack their position. However, doing so sets up the discussion as a war. If the goal is to have a productive debate (where both you and the other person have a reasonable chance of making your views more accurate), then it’s much better to set the conversation up as a discussion where you can learn from each other instead. 

Avoid immediately jumping into attacking the other person’s position so that they aren’t put on the defensive and so that the conversation isn’t framed in terms of winning. This relates to Julia Galef’s concept of Scout Mindset which we think is the mindset with the best chance of achieving most success conditions for political discussions. You should be trying to understand the lay of the land, not firing cannons. If you fire cannons, you can expect cannon fire right back at you.

8. Look for the critical points of disagreement

There may be a lot of reasons that you and the person you’re talking with disagree, but they are unlikely to be equally important. Chances are, there are a small number of important points of contention that the disagreement hinges on. You’ll find that you can have much more effective conversations (doing a better job of understanding each other and moving the needle), if you’re able to identify those most fundamental points of disagreement.

9. Find the reasons for beliefs (and probe them)

Don’t just stop at understanding what the other person is claiming. If you actually want to make progress in the debate, you’ll need to dig into the reasons behind their beliefs. Knowing why they believe what they do may sometimes cause you to agree with the other person more (because it helps you understand their reasoning) but, even when it doesn't, it can also help you understand where the debate needs to focus in order to make progress. Without knowing why they believe what they do, you don’t know what points are most critical to discuss.

Understanding why the person you’re talking to believes the things they do will also let you gently probe the reasons they're giving. 

10. Give credit when a good point is made

If the person you’re talking to makes a good point, or changes your mind about something, tell them that. This might feel like conceding ground in the “battle,” but if you’re viewing the disagreement as a battle, then you are probably already not in a productive mode of discussion anyway. It’s going to be much more productive (for creating change and creating learning) if you keep your ego out of it.

Telling the other person that they made a good point or that they changed your mind about something shows good faith. It demonstrates that you are actually interested in listening to what they say and that you are not simply trying to beat them. That helps them to keep their ego out of it and will tend to make the other person less defensive, more open-minded, and more likely to be willing to admit that you changed their mind as well. 

Conclusion

Political conversations don’t have to be battles. Instead of thinking in terms of winning or losing, it can be helpful to consider what you actually want to achieve. Ask yourself: what are your success conditions? It might be that you want to achieve some form of:

• Changing minds

• Building relationships

• Honing your own views and correcting misconceptions you may have

• Learning about how other people think

• Helping your community

Regardless of what it is, success can take many different forms.

At the same time, not every conversation is worth having. Recognizing when to engage and when to step away is just as important as knowing how to navigate the discussions you do choose to have.

But if you do engage, remember:

1. Focus on your tone, not theirs

2. Determine whether they want stories or data

3. Have intellectual humility

4. Avoid debates in front of others

5. Investigate first, don’t attack

6. Look for the critical points of disagreement

7. Find the reasons for beliefs (and probe them)

8. Give credit when a good point is made

If you’d like to take your thinking about this even further, you could try our Political Bias test, where you can learn to spot and overcome your political biases and test your US policy knowledge: