What you need to know about narcissism (according to a narcissist)

These days, it can seem like everyone thinks they know a narcissist.’ This is reflected in  Google Trends Data, with searches for ‘narcissist’ rising by 11x from 2010 to 2023. Chances are, you know a narcissist - whether you've accurately identified them as such, or not. 

Typically, when people think of a narcissist, they imagine an individual who is brash, full of themselves, and confident. Is that accurate? How can you spot a narcissist, communicate better with any narcissists in your life, reduce the chance they cause you harm, and know whether you might be one? We'll be exploring these topics in today's article. 

Key takeaways

💡 Narcissism is more nuanced (and more common) than many people realize. While internet culture often labels difficult people as narcissists, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) affects an estimated 1–6% of people in the U.S. True narcissism exists on a spectrum, and many people may display narcissistic traits without having NPD.

🧠 Narcissists often appear confident, but their self-esteem is fragile. They may project grandiosity and seek admiration, but this often masks deep insecurity. Their sense of self is unstable and heavily dependent on external validation, making them unusually sensitive to criticism.

🔍 Common behaviors include attention-seeking, manipulation, and shallow empathy. Narcissists may distort stories to garner admiration, react strongly to perceived slights, and prioritize their desires over others’. Their empathy often depends on how a situation affects their ego.

🧩 Some narcissists are aware of their condition and even embrace it. Research shows that a surprising number self-identify as narcissists in anonymous surveys. Yet, awareness doesn’t always lead to change. Many see their narcissism as a strength.

🛠️ If you must interact with a narcissist, boundaries are key. Healthy relationships with narcissists require clear, firm boundaries and tactful communication that doesn’t threaten their ego. Framing limits respectfully can help reduce backlash while still protecting your needs.

🌱 Narcissism can soften over time, but change is slow and uncertain. While there's no gold-standard treatment for NPD, some narcissists improve by learning that their harmful behaviors hurt their long-term goals. Motivation to change often comes from self-interest, not empathy.

What is narcissism?

Narcissism is the term we use in normal language to describe someone with traits such as selfishness, self-importance, arrogance, and grandiosity, whereas Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is the corresponding condition you'll find in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Narcissism is a spectrum, and while many people are a little narcissistic, only a small percentage of people are ’narcissists’ in the sense of having NPD.  In the US, estimates range from 1% to 6.2% of the population. This means that you likely know at least one person with this condition, and perhaps quite a few.

For the sake of this article, we'll be using the term ’narcissist’ and ’person with narcissistic personality disorder’ interchangeably. While every person is unique - and narcissists are no exception - in this article, we'll be focused on traits that are common (even if they aren’t universal) among narcissists.

What are narcissists actually like? 

Not all narcissists are bad people. But narcissists often cause a lot of harm to the people in their lives. Since most of us will encounter narcissists, it's worth taking a little time to understand more about them.

There are some core traits that you can find in most narcissists. These involve (i) a grandiose view of themselves, their achievements, or their plans, (ii) a belief that they are unique or special, (iii) a prioritisation of their own needs and desires over others, and (iv) an intense need for admiration or attention.

We can see these traits reflected in some of the DSM-5 criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD):

• Having a grandiose sense of self-importance, such as exaggerating achievements and talents, expecting to be recognized as superior even without commensurate achievements

• Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, and idealization

• Belief in being 'special' and that they can only be understood by or associated with other high-status people (or institutions)

• Demanding excessive admiration

• Exploitation behaviors

• Lack of empathy

• Sense of entitlement

• Envy towards others or the belief that others are envious of them

• Arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes

Many people believe that narcissists have inflated self-esteem. And it's understandable for people to believe that, given that narcissists are more likely to brag or talk about their superiority than most people are. But, paradoxically, narcissistic grandiosity is typically coupled with unstable self-esteem.

This means that while narcissists often believe they are superior to others, they also depend on others to confirm this perception, and can collapse into feeling inferior, which is very painful for them. This dependence on others for a stable self-esteem makes them extremely sensitive to criticism.

Imagine someone who is truly, deeply self-assured and confident. They would have little need to brag or make big efforts to impress others. But a narcissist’s ego is fragile—they can feel fantastic when their ego is built up (some even report experiencing a "high" from such a feeling), but on the flip side, they feel terrible when their ego is threatened. This makes some narcissists prone to behaviors like bragging and name-dropping in an attempt to get admiration.

To develop a deeper understanding of what narcissists are truly like, Clearer Thinking founder Spencer Greenberg sat down with Jacob Skidmore (also known as ‘The Nameless Narcissist’) for the Clearer Thinking podcast. Jacob is both a diagnosed narcissist himself and a public educator about the condition. If you like, you can check out the complete podcast episode at this link or by searching "Clearer Thinking with Spencer Greenberg" in any podcast app.

As mentioned, for narcissists, the pendulum often swings between inflated self-regard and threatened ego. As Jacob describes it:

“Even when I'm grandiose, [I believe I am better than others,] I also still think I'm worthless. I don't even know how to describe it. It's really hard because it sounds so contradictory to most people ... if I get a good enough [negative] hit to my ego, I will self-isolate for three days at a time because I don’t want to see anybody, because I feel so humiliated and ashamed.”

It's common for narcissists to constantly compare themselves to others, trying to demonstrate to themselves that they are superior, rather than having an innate sense of their value. 

As Jacob put it:

“I don't know who I am if you're not telling me who I am.”

We can see the narcissist's tendency toward comparison reflected in another DSM-5 criterion for NPD, "envy towards others or belief that others are envious of them."

Do narcissists manipulate others?

Another common trait of NPD is exploitative and manipulative behaviours towards others. For example, a narcissist may share a tragic life story in front of a group, but rather than sharing it to connect, they may do so to redirect everyone's focus to themselves. 

The story may even be exaggerated to maximize this supply of ego-bolstering attention (sometimes called "narcissistic supply"). Narcissists have a tendency not to carefully track the truth of their claims, and instead reactively say what they think will get them attention and admiration, or what will boost or protect their ego. 

Such behaviours can show up in a variety of settings: 

• The workplace: A narcissist may hog the credit for work that others have done collectively, but not take responsibility if things go wrong

• Social groups: A narcissist might constantly name-drop a famous or successful person they know as a way to impress people and appear high status. 

• Families: A narcissist may make their child's achievements an extension of their own ego. 

Narcissism also tends to be associated with lower levels of empathy. Unlike severe psychopaths, most narcissists are capable of some empathy, but they typically experience it to a lesser degree than the general population. However, their empathy may be dependent on how their ego is impacted by the situation. 

Think of it this way, if a narcissist sees someone trip and take a bad fall in public, they may go to help them up and check up on them. In this case, empathy serves as a way to validate the narcissist’s ego, such as their view of themselves as a magnanimous person. But when a narcissist's desires are pitted against someone else's - e.g., either the narcissist gets what they want, or their friend does - the narcissist's empathy may suddenly disappear. 

Note: If you want to explore more traits or behaviours related to narcissism, you can check out our sister project, PersonalityMap.io. It allows you to explore over a million correlations about humans, for free. Just enter “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” in the search bar to explore!

Can you identify a narcissist? 

It is usually not possible to identify a narcissist (in the formal, ’narcissistic personality disorder’ sense) with a high degree of certainty without a professional diagnosis from a trained expert. But it is certainly possible to get evidence that someone has a substantially elevated likelihood of being a narcissist.

It's commonly believed that narcissists don't know they are narcissists. So, you may be surprised to learn that there is a single question that is reasonably reliable for identifying narcissists on anonymous surveys, known as the Single Item Narcissism Scale (SINS). The scale asks a simple question:

“To what extent do you agree with this statement: I am a narcissist. (Note: The word ‘narcissist’ means egotistical, self-focused, and vain.)”

On a scale from 1 (“not very true of me”) to 7 (“very true of me”).

A study comparing the SINS to the longer, standardized Narcissistic Personality Inventory found that the two were moderately correlated (r = 0.38, 95% CI: 0.35-0.41). This suggests that many narcissists are aware that they are that way.

On the other hand, it also seems likely that many narcissists are in denial about it. Since narcissists find it difficult to accept negative information about themselves, there are two ways they can protect their ego from the fact that they are a narcissist: accept that they are a narcissist, but believe it's a good thing to be one, or be in denial about it. Here's what Jacob said about his own reaction to learning he is a narcissist: 

"I remember when I was first diagnosed, and I was proud of it. I was like, ‘Yeah, I’m a mass manipulator. Yeah, I’m cold, yeah, I don’t care about things.’ But I was being edgy, more or less ... most people who are narcissistic view it as a good thing, but also they don’t fully understand what that means. … They’re like, ‘Yeah, I’m a narcissist. I am better than people, I deserve to be."

Because narcissists typically seek attention and admiration, we can expect to find them at substantially elevated rates among careers that provide those things. For example, there is evidence that they are prevalent among celebrities and more likely to run for political office. Many famous cult leaders were also narcissists. They amassed followers who worshipped them - the ultimate form of narcissistic supply to inflate their egos.

A hidden reason why it can be hard to identify narcissists is that while they are likely to frequently make bids for attention and admiration to build up their ego, they can do so in a variety of ways. 

While bragging and name-dropping are the most blatant approaches, some will (as we'll discuss in a moment) give effusive compliments, tell you about their ambitious project, try to amuse you by saying outrageous things, or tell stories about terrible things that happened to them. In other words, while the goals of these actions may be the same, there are a variety of approaches they can use to get attention and admiration, and not all of those approaches look like the stereotype of narcissistic behavior.

What is it like to be around a narcissist?

While the term has negative connotations, many people feel good in the company of (at least some) narcissists. Narcissists often present as charming and confident. Because they have a strong need for attention and admiration, they often learn to say entertaining and attention-grabbing things, and do things that make people like or even admire them.

Another trait that can make narcissists likable is their tendency to engage in ‘shared grandiosity’ - where they build you (or the other people around them) up, often through loads of compliments. This can feel very generous, but also serves to boost their ego. As Jacob puts it:

"Making people feel special keeps them around you..one part of it's flattery, obviously, but [also] that shared specialness"

This part of the conversation with Jacob was also informative. Spencer asked:

"When you're on their team, [narcissists] want to build you up, like, 'You're so amazing, you're fantastic.' But it almost ends up feeling like just another form of narcissism: 'You're on my team, therefore you're amazing.'"

And Jacob replied:

"I call this shared grandiosity, where if you're associated with me, that means you're also a special person."

But this building up of the people around them usually doesn't last indefinitely. Narcissists often go through an idealization → devaluation → discarding cycle in their relationships. 

• Idealization: The narcissist  builds you up and makes you feel special and good about yourself

• Devaluation: The narcissist lashes out over disagreements or perceived threats to their ego (e.g., if you confront them because they made a mistake). Devaluation may involve gaslighting, DARVO ("deny, attack, reverse victim and offender"), or verbal attacks.

• Discarding: The relationship is discarded completely, either permanently or until the time when the narcissist feels they can benefit from it again, at which point the cycle may repeat.

Take the example of a narcissistic boss who is managing a project you are working on. The project may start with building you up as one of the best employees in the company. But if something goes wrong (e.g., a problem caused by the boss's oversight), you might be blamed for it, and told you are worthless as an employee. Out of nowhere, your position might be under threat too, in an attempt to protect the boss’s ego. 

How can you maintain a relationship with a narcissist?

You may be in a relationship with a narcissist right now or find yourself in one in the future, whether romantic, professional, or familial. You may decide that you don't want that person in your life. But if you decide you do want them in your life, or if you have no choice but to have a relationship with them given the circumstances, how can you navigate such a relationship? 

Jacob Skidmore suggests that a healthy relationship with a narcissist involves some basic elements: 

• Strong interpersonal boundaries

• Vocal and direct communication of these boundaries

• Consistent and firm assertion of these boundaries whenever the narcissist attempts to cross them

In Jacob’s own words, 

“You have to set the boundary and not move it at all. You can't push it… If you backtrack on it, I'm going to walk all over you.”

Being in a relationship of any kind with a narcissist can be quite tough. If a narcissist in your life has caused you significant harm, deciding to sever the relationship is a completely understandable and often the valid choice. 

But if the relationship is something you value and wish to protect, or not something you have control over, then it helps to keep the mental state of the narcissist in mind. Doing so can help you make better decisions about how to communicate and interact with them, and increase the chance that things go well. 

Asserting boundaries may be perceived as rejection or criticism by the narcissist. This could lead to an ego collapse, making them angry or retaliatory. Yet, asserting boundaries is critical to protecting yourself. Using some of the following phrases may help prevent an ego collapse and make the situation go better: 

1. “I really want to have a great relationship with you. The only way I can do that is if I can be sure that..."  

2. “I respect you and I don't want to control you. At the same time, I'm only willing to talk to you if you...”

Such phrases signal respect, which narcissists crave, and help separate the problematic behaviour from the individual. To help make the interaction go well, do your best to make requests in a way that doesn’t hurt their ego, because if you hurt their ego, they may grow angry and lash out. 

Can narcissism be healed?

Research on changing or healing Narcissistic Personality Disorder remains inconclusive. Treating NPD remains a severely under-researched area in psychotherapy, and high-quality evidence is lacking.

As per Campbell and Foster (2007), an approach that can help is helping a narcissist realize that their harmful behaviour is not getting them what they want, and helping them construct new, healthier behaviors that get them more of what they want, instead. 

For example, if the narcissist lashes out at a co-worker due to a perceived ego threat, they may be receptive to the idea that doing so may have hurt their reputation in the eyes of the boss, negatively impacting their goal of becoming a supervisor. 

This approach can be a way in to helping them consider another way to handle that situation that's healthier and would get the narcissist more of what they want. 

Over time, a narcissist may shape their behaviour to be more consistent with achieving their goals and develop some awareness about the harmful effects of their narcissism, even if only through the lens of self-interest.

It's also important to recognize that not all narcissists are evil. While narcissists do often cause a lot of harm to the people around them, they don't all do this. Some have learned healthy behaviors, or have compensatory traits that help reduce the negative effects of their narcissism, such as accountability, respect for boundaries, more empathy than is typical, or consistent introspection. So it’s not correct (or fair) to say that interacting with a narcissist always translates to harm and manipulation. They can also embody many positive qualities, such as charisma, fun, and ambition.

Understanding what makes narcissists tick can help you relate to and communicate with them better when you choose to do so or have to do so, and it can also help you be more aware of who might be a narcissist.  Whether you decide to keep them in your life or permanently sever ties with them, understanding them better is a useful first step.

To learn more about narcissism, you can listen to the full conversation Spencer had with Jacob Skidmore (aka ‘The Nameless Narcissist’). Spencer and Jacob discuss diagnosis, the interpersonal life of narcissists, media misrepresentations, and a lot more.